today was ...

At this point of time, I am trying to calm myself down. Reviewing the flashbacks of what actually happened today. I wasn't aware of this unexceptable feeling, which was under the weather till this very morning. I am not sure why and how it could've happened. I distinctly remember being so cheerful yesterday. I went out with the girls that I call friends indeed. Doesn't matter when or what, they prepare no excuse to avoid me. They gave their accompany and we had fun. Like I said, we had fun and there was nothing wrong that could ever interfere. I couldn't seen the grey clouds clustering at the front of the road yet.

Today I woke up at the wrong side of bed, feeling extremely insecure and I made up thousands of excuse for me to wake up. Unlike usual, I kept the snoozing on, shutting the lousy noise away. It was getting late, everyone has woken up and busy getting themselves prepared for the day. I have got to get up but then I wished that today was Sunday. I wished that I don't have to go anywhere and do anything. All I think about was HOME.

Lied awake on my bed, I motivated myself, whispering softly that I need to keep on moving, that I have to face the world once again after the long night sleep. I need to be strong, step up and strike on. Suddenly, I reminisce one of the moments that has always kept me running on the pace all these times. I am now dribbling tears remembering this.

It was the time when matriculation students face their Mid semester examination in the year of 2008 and I was one of the candidates. My family and I was heading back to my college in Tangkak and we stopped at the RnR. While we had lunch, I said to mama that I don't want to face the exam, I was so scared eventhough I know part of me was ready, another part on the other hand, was so scared of wanting to admit that I was ready, precisely like how I felt few days before PMR examination. So ready yet so not sure. Then slowly, mama said something that made me smile widely. So triggering yet so heart slitting, she said" A doctor has to start somewhere". Right then I knew that had to face my biggest fear even if it is the hardest thing, I have to try.

I did as my heart told me this morning. I stood up and kept walking like I have always done. It's bitter but that's life. No one gets what their heart desire by sitting at home and contributing nothing towards their success. Though my heart wasn't at settling yet, cuz I grabbed my phone and got out of the class. Dialled mama and tears started to overule me again. I wished that she could be right there to console me like she has always did for years through my ups and downs, since small until I became a lady, from bitter to sweet, from barbie to alice, from boys-anti to mr.hotnerd. Yes, she's my strength, all cuz she has faith in me like no one else does.

Btw, I did saw mr. Hotnerd as I was approaching FK entrance gate this morning. I saw em from far but he didn't see me. He looked like a doll. So perfect as usual. Wish I had came earlier, been ages since the last time I see em. Miss you!